Merry (Christ)mas (Transcript)

'' The date is December 24, 2016, Christmas Eve. It' s almost midnight, and the Conners-Fuller Family is sitting around the fireplace. ''

Bev: Just a couple of hours 'til Christmas.

Erica: I can't wait.

Danny: Oh my God, this is so boring!

Michael: He's right.

Kate: Well, it's time for yearly call to Gigi.

Danny: Gigi's gonna be 101-years-old next month, do you think she should be living alone?

Bev: I don't care.

Michael: Bev, isn't Gigi your mother?

Bev: So what?

Erica: *Dials Gigi's number*

Kate: Look at you using a phone by yourself.

Erica: Whatever.

The phone rings, and then it went to voicemail.

Gigi's Answering Machine (ON THE PHONE): You got... um... Dorothy Gunger-McGillicuddy. I can't answer... the um... telephone right now, so leave a message. Now how to turn this darn thing off.

Bev: Thank God! Mother, it's me, Beverley. Your daughter, Beverley, the second child, the one with the big hair.

Kate: Gigi, it's me Katherine. We're calling to wish you a...

Erica & Danny: Merry Christmas...

Michael: And Happy New Year.

Bev: Now hang up the damn phone.

Danny: *Hangs up*

Everyone: ....

Kate: Hey, I got an idea for something to do.

Erica: What woman?!

Kate: Why don't I tell the story of Danny's first Christmas.

Bev: Don't remind me.

Erica: Okie Dookie. Lets talk about where you really took me when you said you were taking me to school.

Bev: How did the story go again?

Michael: The day was December 24, 2000, sixteen years ago...

[Flashback begins.]

The day is December 24, 2000, and Michael is walking through the door of his home with four month old Danny & a few presents.

Michael: Let it snow, let it snow, let is snow.

Baby Danny: Goo.

Michael put Baby Danny on the couch, and the presents under the Christmas tree.

Michael: Can you believe there's only one day until Christmas?

Baby Danny: ...

Michael: Let's watch Futurama.

''Michael turned on the TV, shortly afterwards he fell asleep on the couch with Baby Danny in his arms. An hour passes, and two women walk through the door. It's Bev and Kate holding many presents.''

Bev: MICHAEL! I KNOW YOUR HOME, YOUR TOYOTA CAMRY'S IN THE DRIVEWAY. BE A GOD DAMM GENTLEMAN, AND HELP THE LADIES WITH THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!

Kate: Mother! Don't shout Daniel might be asleep.

Bev: You know your dumbass husband killed the kid. We left him with the baby for two hours.

Kate: Michael's a good father.

Bev: He lost Daniel at Wal-Mart three times in one week.

Kate: ... Good point.

Michael: *Walking down stairs* I put Danny in his crib.

Kate: Danny?

Michael: I started calling Daniel, "Danny".

Bev: You can call him "Shit Face" for all I care. Put these under the tree.

Kate: Mother, don't forget we have to call Gigi for Christmas, tomorrow.

Bev: I will.

Kate: Mother, Gigi's gonna be 85-years-old next month. She should move in with you.

Bev: Hell no. I have two siblings, why can't she move in with them.

Kate: Aunt Bea and Uncle Ben already refused. Plus, your Gigi's favorite.

Bev: Still no.

Kate: If you lost your house, Michael and I would let you move in.

Michael: Kate, don't make promises we won't keep.

Bev: No, I'll just move in with my brother, Ben, or my sister, Bea.

Michael: Thank you, Jesus.

Kate went upstairs to go check on Baby Danny.

Bev: Michael, I hate you, you hate me. We only put with each other because we both love Kate. So, this Christmas try not to start argument.

Michael: You start the arguments.

Bev: Hey, Michael did you pickout the wrapping paper?

Michael: Yes, why?

Bev: I just thought wrapping paper was supposed to look nice, not like used toliet paper.

Michael: I'm just gonna leave.

Bev: Okay.

Kate walked downstairs.

Bev: So?

Kate: Danny was fussy so I put him on the washing machine.

Bev: What? Why?

Kate: 'Cuz when Michael's not home or not in the mood. I sit on the washing machine on spin cycle.

Bev: Does that really work?

Kate: The washer gave me more orgasms than my own husband.

Bev walked away.

Kate: Where are you going?

Bev: To the washing machine.

Kate: For what?

Bev: What do you think?

Bev walked to washing machine, and Baby Danny was crying on the floor with a lump on his head.

Bev: Did you fall off? Well, good it's my turn on spin cycle.

Later that night, Kate and Michael were lying in bed.

Kate: Do you think we know what we're doing with Danny?

Michael: We're good parents.

Kate: I found Danny crying on the floor next to the washer. There was something white and sticky on the washer, too.

Michael: How did he get to the washer?

Kate: Ummm... I don't know....

Michael: Goodnight, Dear.

Kate: But it's Christmas. You don't want to leave a present in my stocking?

Michael: Zzzzzzzzz.

Kate: I'll be on top of the washing machine if you need me.

''The next morning (Christmas Day). Kate hops out of bed.''

Kate: Michael! Wake up, it's Christmas.

Michael: Don't wake me up 'til New Years.

''Kate looked in Baby Danny's crib, and he wasn't there. She check around the house and Bev wasn't in the guess room. All of Baby Danny's clothes, baby formula, bottles, toys, presents, and all of the booze and Bev's presents were gone. Oh yeah, Michael's car was gone too.''

Kate: MICHAEL! MY MOTHER AND DANNY WAS KIDNAPPED, AND WE'VE BEEN ROBBED.

Michael: *Runs to Kate* What?!

''Meanwhile, across town. In Michael's car Bev had Baby Danny, his belongs, their present, and the booze.''

[Back to the present.]

Danny: You kidnapped me?

Bev: Yup.

[Back to the flashback.]

Bev was speeding down Bartley Blvd.

Bev: Don't worry Danny. Kate and Michael were doing the best they could. You'd be much better off with me.

Baby Danny: *Grabs bottle*

Bev: Oh, your hungry... me too. I'm broke, I should have stolen Michael's wallet too. I might not be a good a guardian. I can leave you with your grandfather, but Robert and I haven't stoken to each other in about twenty years. Maybe Peggy and Lloyd, Michael's parents, their country, polite, well-mannered, flithy rich, honest, and both college graduates, I HATE THEM SO MUCH. Rebecca, Michael's sister, that trust fund skank. My mother's too old, my siblings are to selfish. My cousin, Martha Gunger, she's a nun, too bad I don't believe in God.

Meanwhile at home.

Michael: It's obvious that Bev stole my car and kidnapped our son. I'll call the police.

Kate: No! She's my mother.

Michael: She abducted Danny, and commited grand thieft auto.

Kate: Did you ever play that game?

Michael: Don't try to change the subject!

Kate: There's one place we can go.

Michael: There's plenty of places we can go. I got an idea, the police department. She's a fifty-two-year-old, big haired, white woman, with baby, how hard can it be to catch her?

Kate: She's been hidding from our cousin, Sister Martha, for over twenty years. She keeps trying to convert Mother.

Michael: Hello 9-1-1.

Kate took the phone out Michael's hand.

Kate: Merry Christmas. *Hangs up* Lets go Michael!

A half-hour later

Grace: Oh my, why don't you call the police?

Michael: Thank you.

Kate: No!

Jerry then walked into the room with Baby Sunflower.

Grace: If my mother ever kidnapped my Wini (Sunflower) and stole Jerry's car, I'd call the police no hesitation.

Jerry: LeAnn's so nice though.

Uncle Max: *Burps* Your looking for that old lady with funny hair? She's across town.

Kate: How do you know?

Uncle Max: I know where everyone is. Hey Grace, Mom's on the phone.

[Back to actual reality.]

Erica was standing in front of her class at Willberg Elementary.

Teacher: Erica, is this inappropriate holiday story going anywhere?

Erica: Nope.

Classmate 1: Wait, this whole time, It's just been Erica telling a story.

Erica: Yes.

Classmate 2: Do you guys even call your great-granny on Christmas, is she even still alive?

Classmate 1: What's Futurama?

Classmate 3: Did your grandma even kidnap your big brother as a baby?

Erica: That sounds like something she would do, right?

Teacher: Oh yes.

Erica: *Waves to camera* Merry Christmas to all! And Happy New Years!

Teacher: Who are you talking to?

Classmate 2: This was a shitty episode.

Erica: We're probably gonna be cancelled by Mardi Gras.