Pilot (Transcript)

''The episode begins at the Conners-Fuller House. The Payne family is visiting the Conners-Fuller family for Thanksgiving. ''

Bev: They're going to be here all day?

Kate: Mother! The Payne family are nice people.

Bev: They're a Payne in my ass.

Michael: The Payne's are our best friends.

Bev: They're your best friends.

Danny: Mr. and Mrs. Payne are coming for Thanksgiving?

Michael: Yes, Danny.

Erica: Hooray! Sunflower is so cool.

Kate: Sunflower?

Michael: It's Winifred, she wants to called "Sunflower" now.

Bev: Oh, Winifred. The hippy bitch.

Michael: Beverley! She happens to Kate and I's goddaughter.

Bev: The bitch started a petition to tear down the Wal-Mart and start growing trees on the lot.

Kate: But you signed it.

Bev: I was drunk! Plus you know the only plant she was gonna grow is weed.

Kate: Mother!

Erica: Mommy, what's weed?

Michael: Kids go into the other room.

Danny: Dad, I'm sixteen.

Michael: Go!

Then there was a knock on the door.

Kate: It's them.

Bev: Goodbye.

Michael: Bev!

Kate then opened the door.

Michael & Kate: Happy Thanksgiving!

Grace: Right back at ya.

Jerry: Mikey!

Michael: Jerry!

Grace: Hello, Kate.

Kate: Grace.

Sunflower: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Erica: Sunflower, come up stairs with me and Danny.

Sunflower: Why?

Erica: Why not?

The kids went up stairs to Danny's room.

Grace: Well, I brought tuna fish casserole.

Bev: *Looks down at the casserole* Get out!

Grace: Oh, Bev. Such a kidder.

Bev: I mean it, get your bald ass husband and pot-head daughter out of my house.

Michael: Bev!

Grace: *Laughs* So funny. Almost as funny as when you threatened to beat me on the Fourth of July.

Michael: What about when she threatened to choke your dog on Halloween?

Jerry: Yeah, we still can't find Rusty.

Bev: He went down easy.

Grace: What?

Kate, Michael, & Bev: NOTHING!

Jerry: *Reaches into bag* Bev, I know how much you to like to have a little drink on the holidays....

Michael: And every other day of the year.

Jerry: So I got you a bottle of vodka.

Kate: Mother gets drunk off a shot of light beer. I don't think you should give her vodka.

Bev: Out of the two of us, who's the parent?

Kate: You are, but...

Bev: No buts. Now give me the vodka. *Takes the bottle out of Jerry's hands*

Jerry: How about a "Thank you"?

Bev: Nope.

Bev then went upstairs with the vodka. Meanwhile, Danny, Erica, & Sunflower were having a little fun.

Danny: Sunflower, try on some makeup with us.

Erica: Do all gay guys wear makeup?

Danny: Most sweetie, most.

Sunflower: I don't wear makeup.

Danny: Honey, you can use a little a lipstick... and mascara... and blush... you know what, I think Erica might still have a Halloween mask lying around here.

Sunflower: Hey!

Danny: Don't be salty, bitch.

Back to the parents downstairs.

Kate: Michael, Jerry, Grace and I thought that this Thanksgiving, we can relax while the men cook the feast.

Jerry: What?!

Michael: Kate you can't be serious.

Grace: Yes, boys. Come on, Kate and I got Danny to come out to you.

Michael: Come out to me?

Kate: Danny never told him yet.

Michael: Told me what?

Grace: Nothing!

Kate: We are just tired of slaving over a hot oven for eight hours to make a meal that's eaten in about an hour.

Grace: Have fun, boys.

Grace and Kate went to the living room.

Michael: I've seen my mother and Kate do this all the time. You take this *Picks up the turkey stuffing* and stuff it in here (stuffs the turkey).

Jerry: So? You fist the turkey?

Michael: Ummm...

Meanwhile in the living room.

Sofia Vergara (ON THE TV): JAY!!!

Grace: Don't you love Modern Family?

Kate: I love Sofia Vergara. *Bites bottom lip*

Grace: What?

Kate: I mean, I love salt and vinegar.

Grace: Oh.

Meanwhile in Danny's room.

Danny: Grandma, your drunk.

Bev: B-Bitch please. Or... what ever you gays say. Did you tell your daddy, yet?

Sunflower: Mr. Fuller doesn't know about you?

Erica: Who cares?

Bev: I can... I can... I can tell him.

Danny: No!

Bev: Kids get in the car.

Erica: Okay.

Danny: Where are going?

Bev: To the Rainbow.

Sunflower: That's a male strip club.

Bev and Danny both turned their heads to Sunflower.

Danny: How do you know that?

Sunflower: Because my uncle Max works their.

Erica: What's a male strip club?

Bev: Your gonna see.

Danny: NO! One, Sunflower and I are underage. Two, Erica's really underage.Three, I don't want to see Max's fat ass in a thong. But maybe Zack Efron or Justin Bieber.

Bev: MICHAEL... I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR SON!

Danny: Everyone let's go.

Bev: We're taking Michael's car.

''One hour later, in the living room."

Kate: Do you think we should check on the kids and my mother?

Grace: They left an hour ago.

Kate: What?!

Grace: It's fine.

Kate: No it's not. One time, Mother took Danny and Erica shopping, and they weren't back for a week.

Grace: When did that happen.

Kate: Last week.

Grace: I'll grab my keys.

Kate: I'll grab my purse.

Meanwhile at the Rainbow.

Bev: Work it, baby! *Throws money at stripper.*

Male stripper: Yes, ma'am.

Bev: Don't talk. I'm out of cash. Do you take card? *Hands card to stripper*

Male stripper: Visa card... Is your name Katherine Fuller?

Bev: Do you want the card or what?

Danny: Don't give him Mom's credit card.

Bev: Hey, give this one a private lap dance.

Male stripper: How old is he?

Danny: Sixteen. Bev: Nineteen.

Male stripper: I'm gonna go with nineteen. Lets go.

Danny: Grandma, where's everyone else.

Bev: Erica's getting a piggyback ride from that stripper, and Winifred (Sunflower) is at the bar.

Male stripper: Lets go, I don't have all day.

Danny: Grand-... why not. My grandma gave you an entire credit card. When you start dancing, I want the underwear, boots, and everything else to be taken off.

Meanwhile across town on the highway, in Grace's car.

Grace: Thank you, Max.

Kate: What?

Grace: That was Max, he told me Winifred is a the Rainbow with a hyperactive little girl (Erica), teenage boy with a lot of makeup on (Danny), and a salty old lady (Bev).

Kate: Oh my God. Grace take Snab Street, we'll be there ten minutes faster.

Grace: How do you know that?

Kate: I can explain.

''Fourty minutes later at Conners-Fuller House. Grace, Kate, Bev, Sunflower, Danny, and Erica were outside.''

Kate: I'm very upset with you. You take my husband's car and the kids to a strip joint.

Bev: *Laughs*

Kate: It's not funny. I swear, that one of the strippers had my Visa card.

''BOOOM!! There was a loud explosion from inside.''

Kate: MICHAEL! Grace: JERRY! Sunflower, Erica, & Danny: DAD! Bev: MY LIQUOR!

They all ran inside to find the oven on fire and in pieces, Michael and Jerry in covered in ash, and pieces of burnt turkey on the walls, floor, and ceiling.

Bev: What in the hell happened?

Michael & Jerry: He did it!